Inside Transracial Adoption - Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall

From all my previous reading it is evident that the adopted child is very complex and deals with many different issues and feelings. The transracially adopted not only has to deal with the loss of a birth family, but could also have to deal with the loss of their racial or cultural identity.  So as parents it is important that we provide the means  for the transracially adopted child to, "embrace and feel confident in the racial identities of their birthrights." The most important rule of adoption is to place the needs of the child first, not just the physical needs of food and water but all the mental and emotional needs as well. It is our responsibility to be incorporate the race and culture of our child into our lives with as much importance as our own in a spirit of  creating unity and not singling them out.

I loved their comparison to the Ugly Duckling story. That Mama duck could read a hundred books about swans and learn as much as they possibly can to help that baby swan, but Mama Duck will never be a swan. As Mama duck, I can do all I can building a loving and trusting relationship with my little swan and then let them "waddle alone to the pond of swans, knowing you gave them the confidence and presence to grow into the beautiful swan that they are." Such a fabulous analogy and for a simple story it really helps me understand some of the complex issues with race and adoption and my role in my little swan's life, and the importance of giving them a solid family foundation  and being the bridge to allow them to explore their place in the big world outside of our loving family.

It is not enough to hang pictures, listen to music, eat food and read books that are associated with the ethnicity of our adopted child.  We as a family need to make an effort to be involved with people from their culture through church, work, school and our everyday lives in a respectful way and with those whom our child will identify with and whom can be role models for our child. It is important for them to develop a strong racial and personal identity.  It is our responsibility to provide our child with the tools and resources they will need to help them develop real life skills.  The racial identity section of the book was overflowing with wonderful suggestions and things to think about in order to help our child develop their racial identity.

We've learned through our other reading that a relationship with the birth family is important and this book suggests that the acceptance of and a relationship with the birth family can be even more important than in same-race adoptive families, because rejection by the birth family can look like the rejection by the race of the child. They may suppose that they were placed because of their race.  However, a relationship with the birth family should not be the only contact the child has with people of their race.

I am always appreciative of any information or advice for those with biological children whom are adopting. This book provides some useful information to benefit the whole family. This book addressed any possible issue to be aware of and prepared for, right down to the hair. Not only was it full of useful information and thought provoking ideas dealing with transracial adoption but it went above and beyond by providing lists of other useful books and information. The learning never ends.



Favorite Quotes:
 Families built by transracial adoption can let challenges beat them down or they can embrace their issues - a process that only builds strength.  The chance to face the issues that come with a multicultural life increase opportunities for intimacy and family cooperation.  These experiences form families that are closer and stronger than most.  We reject the notion that blood is thicker than water, while believing that racial and cultural pride are part of the birthright and legacy that belongs to our children.

Too often adults assume we know what kids mean without really listening to them. We keep our own mouths so busy that we fail to hear what's coming from theirs.  But in the end, the child's perception is all that really matters. Parents need to let their child teach them about his or her unfolding sense of adoption and race.  Our goal as transracial adoptive parents must be to have our child able to say, "I'm glad you are my parent because you care about how I feel."

 We love any information or advice that we get about having a family with adopted and birth children. "Loving our children is not about treating them equally or the same, it is about loving them for who they are and supporting them according to their unique needs.

The possibilities for unequivocal, unconditional love are profound and all the parenting experts agree -- that's good for kids!

Demanding good feelings between sibs leads to bad feelings; acknowleding bad feelings between sibs leads to good feelings.

It's a Boy!

Well, that blessed day has come. G picked us and we are moving forward with an adoption plan. I could not be more excited and relieved and just so happy that we've spent so much time, energy and emotion traveling down this road and now we will be blessed with a baby.  She is due August 14th and the way time is flying lately it will be here before we know it.

Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers, positive vibes and well wishes you have sent our way. They are so greatly appreciated and we're so grateful to have so many wonderful, supportive and loving family members and friends.

Today is a BEAUTIFUL day!

Possibly

I hesitated posting this because of the uncertainty, but decided I would because it's part of the process. We want to remember all of this whether it happens or not.

We got a call on Friday. It was almost the call we were waiting for. It was kind of funny too because I was outside pulling weeds and just thinking about the whole adoption thing and whether we would ever get picked, or what it was that made people pass us by." Then I heard the phone ringing and ran into the house to grab it.

"Hi Bethany, this is Kristina from Journeys and I just wanted to let you know that the birthparents of the baby boy due August 14th has chosen your profile and would like to meet with you. Are you available Wednesday for lunch?"

Okay, that's not a direct quote, but the main idea. I couldn't believe it. Was this really the call we had been waiting for? Did someone really pick us?

"There is one thing though, they have met with a family through another contact that would like to adopt. They are not working through Journeys. However, G &S really liked your profile and still really want to meet you."

So, it's not the exact call I was hoping for, but still exciting none the less. We were chosen! Out of the 19+ families in the Journeys program they chose us and wanted to meet with us. So our chances have increased now to 50-50 which are pretty good odds.

Yesterday was the big day. We were pretty nervous but they live just over and hour away so we had plenty of time to talk and make sure we were on the same page. Kristina, a Journeys Domestic Coordinator working with the couple was waiting and so we chatted for just a bit before the birth parents showed up. We had some natural awkward moments at first but we ordered lunch and then started some light chit-chat that moved into the reason we were sitting down together. G & S were both so sweet and we had a few things in common. S had to get back to school, but G stayed so we could talk some more with her about everything. There was a time when all 3 girls were teary-eyed. So we felt like it went really well and we would love for it all to work out.  Our Journeys worker told us later that she felt like we had a lot in common and that conversation flowed pretty naturally under the circumstances. She said G was really impressed with us as a couple and as a family (she thinks our boys are pretty darn cute and I have to agree).  She takes this all very seriously and has a lot of love for her baby and wants to make the absolute best decision. It's a pretty heavy decision to decide which family you will place your baby with forever. We respect her strength and courage to do this and hope she can make a decision that gives her peace in knowing that she has made the best decision for her baby.

So, now it's back to waiting for a bit to hear what she decides. Either way, it was a neat experience and so wonderful to meet her and talk with her for a bit. We're just so happy that somebody picked us. It gives us a little more hope to hold on to that this is path we should be on at this time.

Anyway, just thought we would share that with you. Stay tuned for more updates.

Still Waiting

Just a quick update. Another lucky couple got to bring that baby girl home. We're still waiting to hear about 2 little girls due in May and 1 little boy in August. Our day will come!