20 Things Adopted Children Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew - Sherrie Eldridge

This book was fabulous about helping us to try and understand a little what adoption is like through the eyes of the adoptee. There is no way for us to completely understand what it is that they are experiencing and how they feel, but we now have a great handbook on some things we might expect and ways that we maintain open communication so that we might be their best resource and supporter as they face the various emotions, thoughts and feelings of being adoptee throughout the different phases of life. We realize there is not one way that our adopted child will act or react to certain things and that we should be aware and attentive to help them. “I believe that one of the most sacrificial acts of love adoptive parents can do is to give up their preconceptions and agendas about what their child’s views ‘should’ be and be open to hear the conflicting emotions and thoughts their child often experiences.”

Something that really stuck out is allowing the adopted child to grieve, to work through the emotions that come with experiencing such a great loss at such a young age. We can’t treat them as if nothing has happened and just love all their problems away. We need to acknowledge what they have experienced and not only allow them to grieve but encourage and help them grieve their losses. We need to be honest and open about their loss, go to their place of “fantasy”, help them find any answers they are seeking and encourage open communication about their birth family.

Adoptees deal with a lot of conflicting emotions and are often torn between honoring their adoptive family and wanting to know their birth family. “On one hand he wants to honor the ways in which he is separate and unique from you; on the other, he longs for connection to the missing parts of who he is.” Recognize and celebrate their unique differences, and help them know that they don’t need to disregard the past. Questions about their birth family will arise through the different stages of life. It’s important to be involved, “She wants you to gently help her discover the disintegrated parts of her identity and then reconnect the separated pieces.” It will take dedicated parenting which is what we hope to do. We want to be the best parents we can and help our adopted child to be the best they can. This book is fabulous and will prove to be a great resource in the years to come. It also listed so many other books for us to read and help us understand more about what our adopted child may be experiencing. Knowledge is power.