MAKING ROOM IN OUR HEARTS

Open adoption was a new concept for us. We had heard a little about it and had a general idea of what it was. This book has really helped us not only understand how it can work, but also the wonderful benefits it has for the adopted child. We look forward to being able to do this for our adopted child. if gave a lot of different stories of the experiences of others. Some good and some not so good. We realize that just as any relationship it will not be predictable and will most likely not go exactly as we hope, but we will just give it our best.

Making Room in Our Hearts - Keeping Family Ties through Open Adoption - Micky Duxbury

Here's what we learned:
Adoption has a profound impact on the adopted child's identity and their experience of loss.

It will enhance the child's sense of self. It is part of the child's birth right to know more about those who created them: their history, their decision-making about adoption, their concern for the child, and their dreams for the future.

Through research, ersonal accounts, and case histories it is apparent that the failure to recognize and grieve for the losses of adoption had long term effects.

The closed system did a disservice to the members of the adoption triad. It kept birth parents from being able to acknowledge the depth of their loss and offered few resources to help them come to terms with their decision. Birth mothers who longed to know more about how their child was doing were left with gaping wounds. It left adoptive families without full entitlement to be parents, as they were given few tools to assist their children in developing their whole identity. And the children were left wondering: Who am I? Who made me? What are my birth parents like? Where did I get my nose? Was my father musical too? And why did they make the decision that they couldn't raise me?

Every adopted child faces the task of growing up with a unique set of strengths and vulnerabilities, some inherited, others influenced by prenatal exposure. and some from their adoptive family. Every adopted child will have his or her own unique concerns and questions about the relationship of his adoption to his developing sense of self. At the same time that adoptive parents honor the individuality and uniqueness of their children, they need to acknowledge the additional complexity that adopted children face in the formation of their identity.

The awareness that someone intimately related to you is out there, but you do not know where, is often part of the consciousness of an adopted person. For those who know nothing about their origins, the tendency to try to fill in the picture with fantasizing can be very strong. Because many adopted persons wonder, search, and fantasize above birth families does not mean that they do not love and value their parents.

Child centered open adoption is just that: all those who are concerned with an adoption, whether they are the birth parents, adoptive parents, or adoption agency personnel, consider that the child's current and future needs are at the very center of the adoption process.

People meet their in-laws with the understanding that they will be entering into a long-term relationship primarily because they both love and are concerned for the well being of the same person. They may have different values. They may have different lifestyles. But often, even before getting to know each other very well, they make a commitment to making the relationship work because doing so is in the best intrerest of someon else, to whom their commitment is firmly established.






We should not underestimate the magnitude of the suffering that many birth mothers go through, while they have relinquished their role as parents, they have not give up their right to love and contribute to that child's life.

Adoptive parents need to understand that they are not "doing a favor" to the birth parents by promising openness. Agreements about openness need to come from a mutual understanding of the benefits to the child.



Open adoptions are relationships more than agreements.  The child's needs in open adoption are better met by a good relationship between birth and adoptive parents than by court mandated letter, phone class or visits.
The families that seemed to do the best were those that understood that it was "normal" to have ups and downs in the degree of contact.

Openness is an opportunity, not an obligation.

Children understand the difference between a close aunt whom they might see frequently, or a godmother who is an integral part of their life, and their parents, and the same is true of birth parents. Children may love them, they may have a special place in the life of their family, but they are not parents. We need to remember that if the adults involved are not confused or conflicted about their roles, the children are not likely to be confused either.

Open adoption is not co-parenting, but it is a sharing of the history and the love for our children.

The fact is that no matter what the type or frequency of contact, no matter how intimate or distant from each other they may become, birth and adoptive families will always be related to each other through their ties to the child. 

Adoptive parents need to respect the primacy of the relationship with the birth parents, it is important to recognize that open adoption is about birth families, not just birth parents.

Remember why you are doing this. It's not just a matter of making sure you are comfortable. Insecurities will come up, but it is important to see if you can stretch outside of your comfort zone for the benefit of the child. You have to try to remember that this isn't all about us.

Open adoption is a gift not a burden.

Will openness complicate your lives? Yes it will, but it will complicate your lives in ways that add immeasurable depth and richness to you,  your family, and your children.

Adoption is asking two women to come together in a very intimate relationship, and each one has what the other one desperately desires.

The ability to set and maintain boundaries is one of the most important ingredients of a healthy open adoption.

Birth and adoptive parents need to acknowledge each other's role in helping the child develop a cohesive sense of self.